Her Failed love story

The heat was getting into my nerves and I was getting too cranky. Traveling via public bus into dusty Terai road from Bardaghat to Triveni was hectic enough, when a lady on burqa with two babies came and sat on the seat next to me. They smelled horrible and one of her child told her mom that she felt like vomiting. I generously gave them my seat and stood up. There was one last seat on the back. I sat there.

There was a lady next to me, she looked at me and asked ‘where you going?’’Triveni’ I replied and when I was about to plug the earphones, she handed a piece of cucumber. As much as I wanted to deny the unhygienic food I had to take it. I looked at her; she was well dressed with a lot of makeup. As it was scorching hot, I could literally see her makeup flowing away with the sweat.

She was too friendly and then started talking about herself and when she came to know that I write stories for my hobby, she became too dramatic and told me that wanted to tell her love story. That moment I felt like a movie director whom people share their stories hoping it will be turned into a great movie.

‘ I was a daughter, a carefree young girl. After a lot of efforts, I passed my SLC in second division, college was not much of my thing. I always wanted to be free and left alone back in those days. I was 17 , when I went to a wedding of my friend’s cousin sister and I saw HIM. It was for the first time ever that I got out of my home alone to Kawasoti, well that time I was into an age of young delight wanting magic to happen and I saw a pretty boy. He was tall, thin and dark. When he smiled his dimple made my stomach churn. I knew what it was or at least I made myself believe, I was in love for the first time.
When I was back from the wedding that night, I couldn’t help but think about him. How I tried to open room for conversation pretending to ask him for the bus route to my home. He politely offered me to drop me to the station but then I rejected shyly I said ‘never mind, I will find it myself’. I hated myself for saying my sole purpose of asking location was secretly wishing him drop me.
Oh how his voice was very deep and eyes were dark!Kalpana was my best friend and she knew everything that was going on with my life. It was her cousin’s wedding that I had attended. 6 days after I first met him, Kalpana came to college and I told her that I like the boy there. ‘ I should have known that something was going on between you guys. He is my Brother’s friend. He visits us often, great help. I guess he likes you too because when he brought back the photographs of the wedding, all of the ones where you were there, is missing. He must have taken it’, she giggled.Kalpana told me that his name was Suraj Karki. He was in his Bachelors second year and he had a younger sister. His parents were very friendly and were economically good. He even inquired about me to her for at least once a day and i had my hopes up. I began to dream of him. I dreamt that I will talk to him again and I will hold his hands. These thoughts made me shy.
It had been 3 weeks since the wedding and I was just standing outside my college gate to go back home when I saw him there. I blushed a lot; I was very scared to face him so turned back and walk the other way. he was following me. ‘Barsha wait’, he stopped me. ‘Come over here lets go this way and sit here’, he directed me towards the woods and I did as he said. I had barely known him but I trusted him enough to go to the woods with him. I certainly did not want anyone else to see us talking on the middle of the road.
I stood there quietly and he asked me to sit on the tree log. He sat on the ground near me. ‘Barsha, I am Suraj, 20 years old. I really like you and I want you to be mine. I am a simple man, never had any girlfriends. I do not smoke or but drink sometimes. You have somehow intoxicated me, I have never felt this way before but after I met you I felt it. I am not forcing myself into you; I might not be your type. Maybe too old for you but I promise I will make you happy.’I had already made up my mind to be his girl the moment I saw him outside my college gate but after his words I was deeply in love with him. I respected him very much. He was perfect. We both stayed quiet for some time which felt like forever. I felt like he was waiting for my answer. I took my hand to his hair and started playing with his hair; he sat next to me and leaned on me.
 I was changed now; happier and cheerful. I used to think of him and I getting married and being happy. How perfect would we be? it had been 4 months since we had been going out and I had not even kissed him once. I really wanted to but I wanted him to approach me first. How many times I pretended sticking my tongue out and kissing.
Then the day finally came. One fine day we were back to own junction in the woods. he took out two tooth brush from his bag and gave it to me ‘Please do not get offended but whenever I think of kissing I think we should brush our teeth and then do it.’ he did not say bad about my oral hygiene and I did not get offended. He being open about his thoughts actually kind of made me like him more. I took the brush and toothpaste and actually brushed my teeth. I was very happy from inside because finally I was kissing. I handed him the water bottle back after rinsing my mouth. He cleaned his mouth too and then kept the brushes in his bag.
There was a long pause. We both wanted to kiss but shy to approach. He then came closer and I closed my eyes and pouted. Finally our lips met and so did our hearts…it was already eight months since we were going out. I was totally not giving much attention to my curriculum. I loved him and he loved me. We used to talk about our future and our possibility of getting married. We were from different caste and he promised me that if my parents wouldn’t allow then we will elope.
During those days my mother was very sick and my father used to live in Nepaljung for business which was not going well. I had two elder brothers who were well taken care by my maternal uncles in Narayanghat. After my grade 11 exam, my mother told me that we were going to Narayanghat and my dad will be joining us there. I got scared thinking that it had to do something with my mother’s health.
it was only after reaching to Narayanghat I found out that the whole thing was about my wedding planned by my uncles. I was never even consulted once. A man 15 years older than me came to see me once; he was smart looking man educated and rich. Very fair skinned and fat. He was everything Suraj was not. For me suraj was perfect. 3 days passed and I sat there feeling lifeless and crying as everyone else planned for my wedding. I was already engaged and was not allowed to go out. I tried to contact Kalpana but there was no way.
I had promised suraj to be back soon but I was gone and couldn’t come back. My father once saw me sad and asked me what was the matter but he was as helpless as I was. My maternal uncles were business tycoon of the place and my wedding was like a business deal to them. They were  helping my family for everything else, so my father couldn’t argue with them.
I was married. I lived in a big house. It was a joint family and I had to do a lot of chores. By the end of the day I would be very tired and then entertain my husband on his bed. He was gentleman kind to me but was too busy to spend time with me. He seldom expressed his love. The mother in law and sister in laws were always making me do a lot of work but they were nice by heart. Seven months passed and I had same routine. One day I got a call from my uncle that Kalpana was getting married and she would want me to be there in her wedding. My mother in law gave me a leave for 2 days and I went to Parasi.
When I saw Kalpana I wanted to hug her and cry but the room was too crowded and I was not given a minute alone with her. Kalpana looked into my eyes and said, ‘Barsha go to the terrace and bring my bags which I have packed.’
I went there and saw Suraj waiting for me. He saw me and started weeping. I cried even more. ‘Barsha I am still ready to elope with you, let’s go’, he held my hand.
I really wanted to go but I thought of my mother who was sick, my helpless father and brothers. I thought of the strange man who is my husband and realized that I am no more a daughter but a wife, a daughter in law too. I really wanted to go but couldnt I felt very dizzy and I collapsed.
When I opened my eyes I was surrounded by eyes staring at me.  Women were giggling and Kalpana’s mother smilingly said,’no need to worry Barsha . You are pregnant’. I was shocked and sat down when people went back on doing their business.  Suraj came with a glass of water and handing it to me he said,’Barsha I am still ready to accept this child too. Let’s go away. Only I know how much I wanted to go with him. How much I wanted to kiss him. All I could say was,’ Sorry Suraj I cannot go.’ He wiped the tear flowing through his cheeks and turned back and went.
The child that I was carrying was not only mine and the child’s father had a right to get the love of his child too.
It’s been 16 years now since I have been married. I have three sons and a daughter. They love me and my husband very much. My husband is a kind and caring man. Suraj is now in Australia I sometimes stalk his pictures in Facebook but never been brave enough to send him a request. 

’

Honestly speaking, I felt sad for her as she skipped her station and continued her story. Even I had to wait at the bus stop for almost half an hour to allow her finish the story. When she was done with, she got into the same bus and went back. Me, on the other hand was left with a cheesy story to write and share.

केहि नौलो होइन !

कुरो पोखरामा एउटी चेलीको बलात्कारबाट मात्र सुरु भएको होइन तर त्यस घटना पछि सामाजिक संचार  मध्यमहरुमा आएका ' केटीकै गल्तीले बलात्कार हुन्छ छोटा कपडा लगाएपछि कसरि कन्ट्रोल गर्नी त' भनेर लोग्नी मान्छेहरुको  कमेन्टहरुले मलाई लेख्न बाध्या बानाको हो| त्यसता कमेन्टहरु  देख्दा मेरो मनमा एउटा बिचार उत्पन्न हुन्छ, के छोटो लुगाको कारणनै हुनी हो त बलात्कार? फेरि म यो कुरा बकम्फुसे भन्छु किनकि बुर्का लगाउनि देशका नारीहरुपनि त बारम्बार बलात्कृत भएकै छन्! म बलात्कारको  मात्र कुरो नि गर्दिन, यो त केहि  लाज, सरम र मान मर्यादा पचाएर बसेका मानिसले गर्ने  घीनलाग्दो अपराध हो भनेर भन्नुहोला सबैले  र यो कुरो पनि ठिकै हो| एक दुइटा सार्वजनिक भएको बलात्कारको उदाहरण हामीले  दिन नि हुन्न | तेसैले प्राय जसो मानिसले गर्नी तर सार्वजनिक नभएको बलात्कारको उदाहरण लिउनत| अचम्म लग्यो? लौ किन? छोरी भनेको घरको गहना हो बचाएर राख्नु पर्छ भनेर भन्नि समाजले नै नचिनेको मान्छेसंग बिहे गरिदिएर बलात्कृत हुन त अन्मायेका हुन्छन नि, तर तपाइलाई त्यो कहाँ गलत राख्छ र| त्यो त व्यापार हो नि| दाइजो लिएर मलाई बौ-आमले आफ्नो घंड़ो सुम्पिएका हुन् अब म तेस्को प्रयोग गर्छु बारम्बार बलात्कार गर्न, भाडा माझ्न , लुगा धुन, सरसफाई गराउन  र बच्चा जन्मौनी मसिन बनाउन, होइन त?      

प्राय जसो मानिसलाई मेरो कुरा मनपर्दैन  किनकि मैले भर्खरै तपाइलाई बलात्कारी भनेकी छु| तपाइको पुरुषार्थमा ठुलो धक्का पनि पर्यो होला|  यति जाबो सत्य कुराले मनमा चोट जाग्यो भनि यो लेख अहिले नै पढ्न चोड्नुस किनकि तपाइको चित्त नाबुझ्नी धेरै कुरो लेख्ने विचार  गरेकी छु मैले| 

एउटा नारि जन्मेपछि उनको सबै निर्णय अरुले गर्दिन्छन | के खानी,लगाउनि , पढ्नी वा नापढ़नी देखि लिएर| तपाई भन्नु होला पुरुषको पनि त तेइ हो| तर मलाई भन्नुस त तपाइले कति जना पुरष चिन्नुहुन्छ जसलाई बाहिर जादा मात्र होइन घरमा पनि हाफ सुरुवाल नलगा भनिन्छ? कति पुरुष चिन्नुहुन्छ जसको दिदि बहिनिलाई बोर्डिंग मा पढाएर उसलाई सरकारी बिध्यलामा पढाइएको छ, कति पुरुष चिन्नुहुन्छ जसले आफ्नो घर त्यागेर अर्काको घरमा गएर त्यो नौलो ठाउको जीवन सैली अपनाएर बुडिको थर आफ्नो नाममा जोडेर जति सुकै दुख आएपनि सबै सहेर बसेकी छन्? तपाई सायद जोड गरेर सोच्नु हुन्छ र गार्हो गरेर सायद दिमागमा एक दुइ जना को नाम आउछ तर येही कुरा महिला को बारेमा सोच्नु भने भनि तपाई कुन महिलाले एस्तो गरेकी छैनन् भनेर सोच्न कस्टकर पर्छ|

लौ कस्तो वाहियात कुरो! के भयो त तेती जाबो गरेर? यो त सबैले गरेकै कुरा हो केहि नौलो छैन तेती जाबो गरेर के  भयो त पुरुषले झन् मुख्य कुरो गर्छन पैसा कमाएर ल्यौनी काम| यस्ता विचार पनि धेरैका मनमा आउछन  होला यो कुरो ले मलाई हासो उठाउछ | धेरै जसो घरमै बस्नी महिलाहरुले गर्नी काम भनेको बिहान देखि खाना पकाउनि , घर सफा गर्नी , छोरा छोरिलाई तयार पार्नी, आफिस जाने श्रीमानलाई सबै कुरा तयार पर्नी, तेस्पछि  समान किन्नी , साझको  खाना  तयार पार्नी, लुगा धुनी भाडा मज्ने सबैलाई  खुवौनि र राति गएर आफ़िश मा ६ घण्टा कम गरेर अएको  श्रीमानको सेवा गर्नी हो| यो कम वर्ष को ३६५ दिन र लगभग १८ घण्टा बिदा र तलब बिना नै गर्छिन| येदि यसको तलब आउनि  भएको भए उनि आफ्नो श्रीमान भन्दा तीनगुना बडी कमाउनि  हुन्थिन होला| अझ कतिपए नारिहरु त घर ग्रिहस्ति समालेर पनि काम गर्छन र येति गरेर जागिर गर्दा नि श्रीमानहरुले आफु भन्दा कम कमाउछे  भनेर हेप्छन . येदि एउटा श्रीमतीले मेहेनत गरेर श्रीमान भन्दा बडी कमाएपनि फेरी श्रीमान्लाई समाजले गिज्ज्याये जस्तो लगेर आफु अपहेलनाको सिकार भएको जस्तो लगेर श्र्मतिको जागिर छुटाएको  पनि देखिन्छ|

हैन बेला बेला मा म सोच्छु कस्तो देशमा जन्म लियियेछ ओरि परि हेर्छु महिला को त केहि जीवन नै छैन सानो भएको खुसिको दियोमा नि चप्पलले कुल्चिएको छ| महिला र पुरुष एउटा गाडीका दुइ पांग्र हुन् तर पुरुष पांग्र मात्र होइन इन्जिन देखि लिएर अरु सपि अंग हो भनि महिला केवल एउटा पांग्र मात्र हो| जतिसुकै सामाजिक र पढेलेखेका मानिसहरुले पनि आफु खुल्ला विचारको भएको दाबी गरेतापनि, घरमा आफ्नी  स्वास्नी र छोरीमाथि भेदभाब गरेकै हुन्छन| यो कुरा सानो भन्दा सानो हर्कतले पनि जनाएकै हुन्छ. हाम्रो समाजमा श्रीमानलाई  नसोधेर पसल सम्म जना पाउनन्न महिलाहरु तर एक कल फोन त्यो नि रतिको समयमा गरेर 'म घर आज आउन्न' भन्न मिल्छ पुरुषहरुलाई| यसमा महिलालाई 'हुन्छ हजुर' भन्न्दा केहि भन्न मिल्दैन येही कुरा महिलाले गरे भोलि समाजको अगाडी ना-ना थरि नामिकरण गरेर ननगाइयेर  बेइजत्गरि घरनिकाला गरिन्छ|  सानो भन्दा सानो कुरो ले नि महिला माथि घरयेसी रुपमा भएको भेदभाब दर्साउछ , आमाले सोमबार एकदिन बर्त लिदा पनि बुबाले मासु खानी रहर जगाएर उनले पकाइदिन्छिन तर येदि बुबाले 'म शाकाहारी हुन्छु भने भनी घरमा मासु खान कस्टकर हुन्छ महिलालाई|

मलाई चित्त नाबुझ्नी त अझ यी धार्मिक ग्रन्थहरु हो, यी सबै पुरुषहरुले अआफुलाई मनलागेको कुरा भगवान ले एस्तो चाहनुहुन्छ भन्दै रचेको जस्तो लाग्छ मलाई| एउटा महिलाले श्रीमानलाई नाढोगी खाइन भनि, नभनी केहि गरिन भनि, पापिनी हुन्छे रे, अर्को जन्ममा दुख पाउछे  भनेर सबै  मनलाग्दा   कुराले पुरुषहरु आफ्नो मनोरंजन गराए र धर्म को नाम लगाई चलनचल्ती मा राखेका जस्तो लाग्छ मलाई| सायद म गलत पनि हौला र साचिकै धर्ममा यस्तै लेखिएको होला| साचिकै बिष्णु रुपी कृष्ण ले विभिन्न आइमाईहरुसंग सम्भन्ध राखी स्त्रीलम्पट भएको र पतिब्रता सीताको  अग्निपरिछ्या  लिदा पनि उनि दोषी भएको कुरा ठिकै होला| किनकि संसार यसरीनै चल्छ र  सबै मानिस को दिमागमा यस्तै कुरानै थिखो भनेर बसिसकेको छ|मलाई एकपल्ट एकजनाले भनेका थिए, हिन्दु एस्तो धर्म हो जसमा मात्र विभिन्न देवीहरुको राम्ररी पूजा गरिन्छ तर म सोच्छु के काम देवीको पूजागरेको जब नारिहरुलाई सम्मान नै गरिन्न भनि|

ये सबै  कुरा हेर्छु म र दिक्दार हुन्छु| मेरो समाज पुरुषले बिगारेको समाज हो| जहाँ नारीको सम्मान केवल बोलि र लेखाइमा छ तर काममा छैन| यदि एउटा पुरुष सच्चा मनले कुनै नारीको सेवा वा सहयोग गर्न खोज्छ भनि उसलाई समाजले 'नामर्द' र 'लाछी'को नाम दिन्छ| स्वास्नी मान्छेलाई काबुमा राख्नु  पर्छ भनेर सोच्छन पुरुष| कसैले आफ्नी स्वास्नीलाई सम्मान र अधिकार दिएका छन् भनि उसको मजाक र खिल्ली उडाइन्छ यहाँ| अरुको घरमा नारीमाथि शोषंड र दमन भएको छ भनि अर्काको ४ भित्ता भित्र भएको कुराम जन्नी हुनु हुन्न भनेर सोच्छन  मानिस यहाँ| किनकि अरुको मामलामा बोल्यो भनि पछि आफ्नै पोलपो खुल्निहोकी ? वा भनम मेरो घरमा पनि नारी सचेत हुनी होकी भनेर डराउछन पुरुष|

 यो समाजले  भने बिरुद्द केहि अरु मात्र गर्न खोजियो भनि सबै तेस्को बिरोध  गर्छन| संसदमा ३३% कोटा दिनुको सट्टा ५०% दिन डराउछन  पुरुषहरु! तेसैले सार्वजनिक यातायातमा दुइटा सिट र ३३% कोटा मा तारिएको छ महिलाहरुलाई |

र येदि यसको बिरुद्ध कोहि महिलाले कुरा उठायो भनि त्यो महिलाको जीवन खराब हुन्छ उसको इज्जत को धजिया  उडाइन्छ र  मिलेर उसको बेइजत गर्छन | किनकि हाम्रो समाजमा जे गरेपनि महिलाकै गल्ति हो| श्रीमान ले अर्की  ल्याएनि महिलाले खुसि पर्न नसकेकै हो, श्रीमानले रक्सि खाएर पिटेर उनले छोडिदिन भनि नि  महिला भएर सहन्सिल हुन नसकेकोले  उनकै गल्ति हो| सबै कुरामा महिलाको गल्ति हो|

तर के हामी पिडित वर्ग होउ  र? म भन्छु अवस्यपनि होइन| यदी तपाई एउटा नारी भएर यो पडीरख्नु भएकोछ भनि तपाईलाई यो समाजले एक लेख पढ्न सम्म छुट दिएको रहेछ यो पढेर तपाई आ-आफ्नो ठाउँबाट  केहि गर्नु  र येदि तपाई पुरुष भएर यो पडीरहनुभएको छ भनि, तपाई परिवर्तन चाहनुहुन्छ होला सायद| तपाई केहि नगर्नु नारि आफै जग्छन तपाई हात दिएर   माथि तान्न सक्नुहुन्न भनि धकलेर पछाडी नि नसार्नु| चुपलाएर बस्नी  दिनहरु  गैसक्ये | एक पुस्ताले क्रान्ति ल्याए भनि बल्ल आउनि बेलाबाट दमन  काम हुन्छ. जसरि अमेरिका मा १९२० मा महिलाले क्रान्ति ल्याएर आफ्नो हक र हितका लागि लडेकाथए  अब हाम्रो पालो आएको छ| येस्कोलागी   घरमा बसेर हिन्दि सीरियल  हेरेर केहि हुन्न अब आफुलाई केहि सीप सिकाएर तयार पर्नु पर्छ. अहिले गरियो भनि बल्ल आउनि  पुस्तालाई सजिलो हुन्छ|

हुनत क्रान्ति एक ठुलो शब्द लाग्ला तर अलिकति केहि गरेर आफुमा सुधार र शेप ल्याउनु राम्रो कुरोहो| तपाई केहि गर्नु सक्नु हुन्न भनेनी अलिकति अगदिबदेरा थोरै केहि गर्नु नि क्रान्ति हो| म भन्छु सधै सरी लागउनी आफ्नो हजुरमलाई कुर्ता लगाइदिनि पनि एउटा सानो क्रान्ति हो| आफुलाई केहि ना केहि प्रकारले तयार पार्नु अब पालो भएकोछ अन्तरिक युद्धको ! र याद राखौ नारिको दुश्मन नारि नै हो भनेर हामीलाई यो समाजले दिमागमा हालेको छ अब हामीले नारि को दुख र पिडा बुझ्नी संगिनी हो अर्को नारि भनेर हातेमालो गर्नु पर्छ|

(मलाई कुनै पुरुषसंग आपशी दुश्मनी छैन तर म पढेलेखेको भएर त हरेकदिन कुनै प्रकारबाट पछिपरेको अनुभव गर्छु भनि अरु महिलाले त अवश्य गर्नुहुन्छ होला भन्नि मलाई लाग्छ र म तेसैको बिरुद्धमा बोल्छु| नारीलाई सम्मान र नारीको कदारगर्नी  मानिस प्रति मेरो नि सम्मान र कदर छ|)